You don’t have to be retired to do this! (I wasn’t.)
I was reminded of this on our reunion weekend on hearing that several people had parents who had died during the year. This often meant supporting the remaining parent – some of whom were doing (surprisingly?) well.
There are as many different ways to do this as there are people! I got a job near where my mother lived – after several tries – and moved house to be near her. I considered moving in with her, but a friend warned that it might not be a good idea and living there while I tried to sell my house confirmed that. My mother was basically losing her short term memory and initially I was calling in frequently and writing lists as to what she had to do each day. She got worse after having an operation to re-do her hip; mostly because she was out of the routine which had kept her going. I was calling in almost every day and the lists were longer! I started doing her washing, but found people to do the ironing. I was also shopping for her food. After a while I arranged for people to come in and help her get up in a morning and help get her lunch. This worked mostly OK, but there were sometimes problems over timings, such as when she was left to have breakfast at 10.00 and then they came to give her lunch at 12.00. Naturally she wasn’t ready for it, so it was left in the microwave for her to heat up – where I found it at 5.00 when I called in, as she had forgotten it. As it was a frozen meal it had to be thrown away. Meanwhile my sister was looking after all the finances and doing tax returns and such like. I was glad I didn’t have to do that! Eventually the most reliable carer was obviously worried and didn’t think Mum was coping and I didn’t have time to do any more, with my job, so I found a place in a good nursing home, where they cared for her until she died. I called in almost every day to see her, even if it was only briefly.
Different people have different problems and solutions, of course. I have a friend who takes a train journey of about an hour and a quarter every other week to visit and do things for her mother. Another visits her mother in a local “home” 3 times a week and her parents-in-law (one in a “home”, one not) 40 miles away about every other week. Another visits her father about 30 miles away three times a week. Another visited his parents, 150 miles away, regularly – and as they became ill was spending a lot of time with them and away from his wife. Someone else I know was spending 3 days every other week with her mother at the other side of the country, so was travelling and away from home quite a lot.
Some of the parents just need company, but others need help with shopping, cleaning, sorting out money or other tasks. Some are starting to get dementia and some are just frail – so one is worried about falls or illness – and others are just able to do less. There are things to help, like alarm bracelets, but one has to make sure the elderly person understands how they work. It is possible to organise carers to come in, but they are not always as reliable as one would like. This is not always the carers fault, if an emergency has occurred at an earlier call, for example, but they are not paid for travelling (usually) so can arrange calls to suit them rather than the clients. This sometimes needs checking on and a complaint!
There is sometimes the need to get “Power of Attorney”, so that one can handle their finances as they no longer understand them. My sister did this, thankfully, as it is not always easy. And when they die or move into a “home”, there is the problem of clearing possessions; selling houses; getting probate on wills (assuming they have made them)……. It is easier if there is more than one child to help with the care and sorting out. It must be very difficult for only children.
The trouble is that however much one does, one always thinks there is more one could have done. And I have heard of some parents who have played on this and used a sort of emotional blackmail. My mother didn’t do this – she just didn’t remember what she wasn’t able to do and what we had done for her!
As we get older maybe we can do the same to our younger relatives! What fun (or not)!
Mum had set up the potential for us to get power of attorney well before it was needed, after seeing the problems her neighbour had. Worth doing, though I think it is not as easy now.